Vacation week shifts my focus from keeping school operating to home. I struggle to tidy up daily. We have a “if you see it needs to be done, do it” mentality of housekeeping during the work/school week. Weekends offer a bit more depth of chores but vacation… vacation I have big dreams about how I can Marie Kondo my basement and the attic and everything in between in one week.
I told you, I have big dreams.
The reality is that I collected 4 glasses, 3 seltzer cans, and a bowl from my daughter’s room. It was all I could carry as I also had a bag of laundry that was needed for tomorrow or she would have NOTHING to WEAR because she has NO CLOTHES!!
My inner voice is loud in these situations: YOU know how to do dishes, you can do laundry, you know what is so important to wash tonight, and if you looked around the floor of your room, you would note that you certainly DO. HAVE. CLOTHES.
I didn’t fall down the stairs with my heavy load (YAY!) but I wondered if a big crash might somehow shift my teenager’s motivation to do helpful chores around the house.
The girls empty the dishwasher every day and every day it is a reminder and a justification of why we expect them to do this task. Thank you for helping our family, we are a team, please do it now. I feel like I am on repeat. Do this, do that… I always feel like I am reminding my teens to do what they already know I expect of them. This happens at school as well. In school, teachers repeat themselves often. “Don’t forget to turn in your work” or in Math class “show your work”, or in every class “Put your cell phone away.” I feel tired and the frustrated.
I nag my teens and students because I want whatever it is to be done. I want it done because it is the next step. I do not feel as though this want is a surprise. I have repeated myself many times.
How do we help teens remember to do the things they need to do?
Me reminding them is one possible option. The downside to this option is that I feel like I am nagging them everyday to do things they know I am expecting.
With little kids, I tried sticker charts. It was a lot of maintenance and never became a successful habit in our house. But the idea of putting the expectations in writing and posting them has merit.
Let’s try this with teenagers. Make a list of things that need to happen. This list is specific to your teenager. If they need help remembering to brush their teeth, put it on the list. If they don’t and brushing their teeth is an established habit, then it isn’t necessary to remind them to do that.
Then set a natural consequence: your list must be completed before you can do anything else.
When I did this with my teens, “anything else” was too big. So I broke it down further. Here are three examples:
Before dinner, please have the dishwasher empty. We need clean plates for dinner.
The natural consequence is that dinner is held up (for all of us) until the dishwasher is empty.
Do your laundry, so you will have something to wear tomorrow.
The natural consequence is that their clothes options are limited.
Pick up your belongings in the common spaces before you go to bed.
The natural consequence is that those belongings will be collected and removed. I collect items in a bin and put them in the basement, which becomes the staging area for the annual yard sale.
Instead of nagging about the dishwasher, I ask “Where are you on your list?”
It doesn’t feel so personal this way.
This is a system. As with any system, putting it in place can be hard. In the short term, establishing a system disrupts the patterns we have already created. But you are frustrated with that pattern. I am frustrated when I feel like I am repeating the same directions over and over again. For me, it is worth short term pain for long term gain. In the long term, the consequences have been tested and they are solid. I followed through and my teens know that we will sit around being hungry until the dishwasher is empty. There will be a few cold dinners. In the long term there will be fewer fights and nagging conversations.
More often than not, we have to let the consequences do their job. As long as the consequences are safe, they are bumpers we put in place for our teens to hit and bounce off. When the bumpers are clear, our teens will still test them, but we have already set out the consequences. Allowing our teenager to feel the consequences is great learning for them.
I found that when I am repeating myself and not allowing my teen to feel the consequences, the irritation is mine. I am repeating myself and feeling frustrated. Getting out of my own frustration lets me set the expectations and the consequences, allowing me to follow through with greater ease. Will I collect glasses from her room again? Yep. Will I get mad and demand that the dishwasher be emptied right now? You bet. But if it isn’t every day, then that is a win!